Tina Sue Goes to Hogwarts
by snowflake99
Summary: For those days when you just need a laugh at the expense of a mary-sue.


**A/N This story is a parody. I do not own JK Rowlings world. I also have nothing against the Draco/ Hermione pairing. In fact I've written a dramione story ( go to my profile if you're interested in reading it). This is just some light hearted fun!**

**Also a big thank you to Hattie who is my beta reader. **

**Enjoy!**

Hermione strode onto the Hogwarts express excited about the new year. Over the summer she had changed a lot thanks to her mysterious American cousin who had spontaneously showed up and decided to give her a makeover! Her bushy hair now lay in chocolate curls that flowed down her back _(Because brown hair simply won't do for a Mary-sue) _and now she had "curves in all the right places". As she boarded the Hogwarts express, she casually flicked her hair behind her back, making the male population of Hogwarts stare in wonder at her amazing beauty and perfection.

As she opened the compartment door, standing in the carriage it was none other than Draco Malfoy!

"I hate you Mudblood" spat Draco immediately as he caught sight of her

"errr, Malfoy, why are you shouting at me, I only just walked in the door " whispered Hermione confused.

"Because the author wants to show us fighting so it will create drama, and surprise the reader when we finally get married and have 12 children" replied Draco in hushed tones.

"Oh ok then, well in that case… I think you're an egotistical ferret" bellowed Hermione although she couldn't help noticing that he had become taller and more muscular over the summer from playing quidditch. She flounced out of the compartment slamming the door behind her in a dramatic fashion.

"Mione!" said Harry as she walked into the compartment that him and Ron along with some of their other friends were sitting in. "You, look great Hermione" said Ron as they both gave her a hug. Ron and Harry had also grown taller and more muscular over the summer _(surprise surprise)_

Once they had arrived at Hogwarts they went into the Great Hall where Professor Dumbledore stood up to make an announcement. "Well this year we have a new student joining the sixth year. Due to her tragic and mysterious past she is transferring here from America" As Dumbledore finished his speech, the doors of the great hall flew open. In walked a slim girl with shimmering blonde hair that cascaded down her back in perfect curls. Her eyes were not blue! Of course not! They were like pools of sapphires flecked with silver, peering out from oversized lashes. In short she was perfect in every way imaginable and once again the male population of Hogwarts nearly fainted as they saw how beautiful she was. She sat down onto the stool and placed the sorting hat above her head. The crowds of people waited in anticipation to see what house she would be placed into. _"Hmmm well seeing as this is a dramione story that puts slytherin out of the picture so there really is only one other option_ _"Gryffindor" _Yelled the hat as the Gryffindor table erupted into applause.

She sauntered over and sat next to Harry. "Hi, I'm Harry"

"Hi, I'm Christina Louisa Melina Delphina Regina Thumbelina Smith, but you can call me Tina" said Christina all in one breath.

"So how come you're transferring here?"

"Well you see, my parents were horribly and tragically murdered by Voldemort and then I was kidnapped by dark evil people whilst I was fighting off a horrible and life threatening disease. Then I heroically escaped because of my immense magical powers and returned to the Salem institute until the school came under attack from Voldemort and miraculously I was the only one to survive so I came here"

"Wow, let's go to the common room and bond over our tragic and emotionally scaring past" said Harry whilst staring dreamily into her eyes.

Tina strutted out of the hall, tossing her blonde hair carelessly behind her back. Harry followed her drooling slightly over her flawless complexion and radiant beauty.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning Dumbledore paced around his study, waiting for Tina, Hermione, Draco and Harry to arrive so that he could drop a shocking bombshell onto them, providing the author with a surprise plot twist (i.e. not so surprising after all).

A knock on the door disturbed his thoughts and he quickly rushed to let them in. "Harry, I am sorry to have to tell you this but you are not who you think you are. You are not Lilly and James's son, in fact you are Draco Malfoy's long lost twin and I am actually your grandfather"

"What?! How can I be related to that thing" snorted Harry, pointing towards Draco in disgust.

"Hey! I'll have you know that in the end of this fic, we become best friends and go through some good old fashioned brotherly bonding" he said to Harry who was pretending to vomit in the corner.

"I'm going through an identity crisis!" wailed Harry throwing his hands up to the heavens. "How can this be happening to me? I am Harry Potter!" he exclaimed as Tina comforted him.

"It is completely illogical professor" chimed in Hermione.

"Oh my dear Hermione, you haven't seen illogical yet" said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling as he folded his arms and gazed at the girl in an I-know-something-you-don't-know fashion.

"You see you are not Hermione Granger, you are in fact Voldemort and Bellatrix's love child and you real name is Voldemortina"

"Well this changes everything! I think I'm just going to go and dye my hair black, transfer to slytherin and wallow in self misery" cried Hermione shrilly before running out of the office to try and find some hair dye.

"Hermione! Wait for me! I have to profess my undying love to you!" yelled Draco as she ran from the office. "Seeing you with your amazing make over, I have suddenly realised that whilst I thought I hated you for all these years, I love you! I want to repent all of my sins and become a saint!" He ignored all of the weird looks he was getting from passers by as he tried to catch up her.

"Hermione! Why are you running away from me? What do you mean you think I'm insane? I'm just insanely in love with you! I have hair dye!" He continued to chase her out in the grounds where the glowing sun was sinking into the horizon.

"What about me professor?" asked Tina earnestly. "Well you are the key to defeating Voldemort with your supreme magical powers and we just realised this because a new prophecy randomly showed up the other day. You have the ability to control all the elements of this world, see in to the future and wandless magic."

"Wow, this is so unexpected" gasped Tina, bringing her perfectly manicured hands to her face.

"Not only are you the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, you are the most powerful witch in the history of the world! Marry me now Tina!"

"But what about Ginny?" asked Tina in mock concern.

"Ginny who?"

"Yay! Let's get married" said Tina happily as they skipped into the sunset whilst Dobby and the rest of the house elves threw confetti into the air.

**So what did you think? Review!!!**


End file.
